Why I Pardoned Arpaio
Note: Due to Hurricane Harvey the regular writer in this space was unable to produce today’s Medium post. In its place we submit to you a guest-column from the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
Good afternoon, my fellow white Americans.
Before I begin, I’d like to reiterate my sincere “good luck” to those in Texas affected by Hurricane Harvey. I’d also like to add a hearty “best wishes” and ‘you got this, buddy” to the state that secured me 38 electoral votes and 52.6% of the popular vote to Hillary’s 43.4%. We all know Texas has some fine leaders working on the tough issues of our day, like bathroom bills and burying or cremating aborted fetuses, so I’m sure they’ve got a firm handle on this God-given and not at all climate-change-augmented natural disaster.
At any rate, as you know by now, I pardoned Joe Arpaio yesterday evening. You know how it goes: they wave a paper in your face while you’re trying to line up your shot off the tee and they keep whining “Mr. President, please” so you just sign the damn thing so they’ll leave you alone. But I was happy to do it for Joe, because he’s a great American.
They call ol’ Joe “America’s Toughest Sheriff.” Did you know that? I betcha you didn’t know that. I mean, I just found out about that, like, a day or so ago. So you couldn’t have possibly known that. Anyway, ol’ Joe…man, is ol’ Joe old. I read the press release we wrote on Joe after my people released it, and I couldn’t believe it — Joe is eighty-five years old. Eighty-five! Can you believe it, folks? I asked my people about this, I said, this can’t be right. He’s really eighty-five? And they went, uh-huh. And I went, no, that can’t be right. And they went, it is, Mr. President. And I went, naaaahhhh…that can’t be right. It went on like that for about half-an-hour until Kellyanne said, no Mr. President, really, and showed me where it said he was eighty-five on his Wikipedia page. Then I subtracted eighty-five from seventy-one on my fingers and realized it wasn’t so old after all.
But I digress. Sheriff Joe used to run Maricopa County in Arizona and I gotta say that I’ve been a longtime fan of his work down there. Tremendous stuff. He was like the Michelangelo of sheriffs. He used to make inmates wear pink underwear, which I thought was just the funniest thing. But they say Joe engaged in “police misconduct” and “abuses of power” that “violated” the “civil rights” of prisoners. They also say Joe was guilty of racial profiling, whatever that means. What got ol’ Joe in trouble was that he detained a Mexican individual without cause, then the courts got involved and said for him not to do things like that. But did ol’ Joe listen? No, he did not! Because he knew in his heart and in his gut what was white…er, I mean right.
So Joe Arpaio, “America’s Toughest Sheriff,” did what he thought was right and continued to have his people make stops of Mexicans coming in from the border. Even those who had visas and such. You know, they want to say that what he did was “illegal” and that he wasn’t being completely truthful with the courts. But you know something? Sometimes you have to tell a lot of little white lies to get to the truth. You folks know what I mean.
I don’t know if you knew this, but I had Joe do some investigative work for me back when I was looking into the whole Obama birth certificate thing. He and his “cold-case posse” started looking into things around 2012 and were still looking into it right up until the time Obama left office. But just because they found zero evidence to corroborate my claim that Obama wasn’t born in this country doesn’t mean the investigation wasn’t a success. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even be President without it. It got my name out there in front of the right kind of people, if you know what I mean. The true Americans. You people know who I’m talking about.
Anyway, I should wrap this up because I’ve got a beautiful 18-hole course calling my name, but I just want to conclude by saying that Joe Arpaio is a tremendous American. Simply the best. Better than all the rest. He’s a real law-and-order guy, and we need more people like that in this country. People who really want to defend the border. Who don’t like the fake news and want to see it stopped. Who want to restore America’s great heritage and all those beautiful statues. I told the folks down in Arizona a couple of days ago that we’d get ol’ Joe pardoned pretty soon and I’m one to keep my promises. At least, about the things that really matter.
In closing, lock Hillary up, this whole Russia thing is a nothing burger and don’t @ me about Charlottesville or any of that other racial nonsense. I’ll holla at y’all on Twitter the next time Fox News gets me in a lather about something or other. Until then, Trump out!
Postscript: The views expressed here do not reflect those of the regular writer of this space. For a more accurate and detailed overview of Joe Arpaio’s career, we invite you to read this Twitter thread from the Phoenix News Times.
