When Trump Met Kanye
TRUMP (to intercom): Could you have Kanye West come in, please.
A moment later, KANYE shimmies into the Oval Office wearing a red MAGA cap and matching shutter shades. He takes off the shades, revealing a vacant, far-away expression on his face.
TRUMP: Hey there, Kanye! What’s going on, my brother?
TRUMP attempts one of the “black handshakes” that he’d been practicing on his white staffers for the past few days, but to no avail. Having utterly failed in the attempt, he clumsily grips KANYE’S hand in an awkward, stiff handshake before inviting him to sit down.
KANYE: What’s crackalackin’, Mr. President! What’s good, what’s poppin’ yo?
TRUMP: Um, things are popping just fine, Kanye. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today.
KANYE: Oh man, it’s all good, ya know what I’m saying. I’m just glad to have this chance to conversate with you and show you what a free thinker I am.
TRUMP: Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean, Kanye. The fake news media and the Democrats have told black Americans like yourself what to think, how to feel. Just terrible stuff. But we’re going to get the blacks off that mental plantation, aren’t we Kanye?
KANYE nods manically at TRUMP with a fixed grin and distant stare on his face.
TRUMP: OK, great, glad you agree. You know, I’ve really been getting into your music lately. Really good, great stuff. Like that one song you got, “Gold Digger?” You know that line, “now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke…”
KANYE continues nodding and smiling at TRUMP.
TRUMP: Well, anyway, I could really relate to that line. So, so true. So many gold diggers out there who want to spread nasty, horrible lies about you. It’s “sexual harassment” this and “illegal payoffs made to porn star mistresses” that. There are so many haters out there, Kanye. So many haters.
KANYE: No doubt, Mr. President! But when you got that dragon blood in ya, there ain’t nothing them haters can say or do to steal your shine!
TRUMP: Mm, yes. Well anyway, it was nice talking to you, Kanye. You mind taking a selfie with me before you go?
Before KANYE can answer, TRUMP hits the intercom and barks for someone to come in to take a picture. A harried 20-year-old intern enters the Oval Office, takes TRUMP’s personal cell phone off his desk, and waits for the two men to settle into a pose. The flash from the camera phone goes off, and then…
KANYE: …hey yo, where the fuck am I?…What am I doing up in the Oval Office…and why am I wearing this wack-ass hat?…
TRUMP: Jesus! He snapped out of it! Quick, tell Kim to get her ass over here with the tea cup and the spoon!
KANYE attempts to leave but is forcibly restrained by two Secret Service agents standing outside. He tries to get someone, anyone, to help him, but the white staff members look at him impassively as he’s carried away. And in the deep, dark recesses of his office, TRUMP broods and waits.
