Anthony Punt’s Ten Rules for Novelists

1. People like it when you put words in a sequential order that they can comprehend, so do that (unless you’re Samuel Beckett, in which case feel free to disregard this advice).

2. Burn the ships for God and Country!

3. Build an altar to the God of Composition and perform ritualistic sacrifices on a nightly basis to appease your vengeful master.

4. Main line caffeine with a continuous IV drip of Folgers (or the coffee brand of your choice).

5. Ask your pets what they think of your latest draft; if they do their business on it, take it as a vote of no confidence in your story.

6. Shout back at the voices in your head that you’re trying your best, dammit!

7. Just keep procrastinating on your writing assignment and hope the ghosts living inside your house will finish it.

8. Put some raw eggs in a blender and drink it whole — it works for boxers, right?

9. Do anything else that will make you more money and fill you with a greater sense of self-respect than becoming a professional writer.

10. Don’t write anything as needlessly self-indulgent and casually sexist as Jonathan Franzen.